We had to say goodbye to some parts of Michael Jackson long before he really died. The colour of his skin, for example. Or his nose. Or his integrity. And because "Jeder Abschied ist ein kleiner Tod", the final Arrivederci was not so painful. And I do feel much better because there are so many people singing and dancing for him.

1. Gruseln in Legoland
This is the cut version. The uncut is too long and therefore a bit on the long side.




2. Zombie lebenslang
This dance event in a phillipine prison probably wont count for good conduct, because then, every prisoner could go home.
Please watch out for the receiding hairline of the man the woman.





3. Totally rad Zombietanz to learn
bleach and ether ready? then the only thing missing is the guide how to do the thriller.


Voll unheimlich: the video lurks behind the picture.



4. Jacko goes to Bollywood
A brilliant piece of entertainment. And so nice of the leading actor to wear the old gummisuit Britney Spears wore in "Toxic".





5. The Video from the Marketing-Friedhof
As in the video there are a lot of Zombies in Second Life. Such as empty brand stores. such as empty ad agencies. und so weiter. you know what i mean. you dont really have to watch the video, i just found it very funny that someone programmes like crazy and it still looks like an epileptic self-help-group after four rounds of absynth.





6. A kid
At last! A kid that dances just for fun and not one that is forced by a successful, fat mother.





7. Phrrrrt Michaels father brother lookalike
in the end Michael Jackson looked like Darth Vader without the mask. The next parallel would be the evil father. But, Michael Jackson had a bad father and Darth Vader was one himself. And now i have to stop thinking about it, otherwise i wonder about why latoya looks just like yoda und then i cant stop thinking about which star wars character looks like which member of the jacksons.




glossary
Jeder Abschied ist ein kleiner Tod - every goodbye is a little death
Arrivederci - Goodbye (not German)
Gruseln - jimjams
lebenslang - lifelong
Friedhof - graveyard

This could have been discussed at the ice cream parlor:

"Hey, lets decorate the shopping window."
"Geilofant! But what shall we put in there?"
"Ice cream, of course!"
"Bist du doof? The ice cream will melt."
"You are right."
(pause, heavy thinking!)
"??????!!??????"
"........"
"I got it!"


Welcome to the Eiscafé in the Kleinstadt!

glossary
Geilofant! - (very cool and enthusiastic exclamation) Great!
Bist du doof? - Are you stupid?
Eiscafé - ice dream parlour
Kleinstadt - small town

a little while ago i thought i had found the solution for all of my cosmetic problems. hei poa is sunscreen (spf 6), hair- AND bodycare in one funky product. dry skin becomes smooth, massages become even wundervoller, and prudish skin becomes fluffig and so on.



hei poa consists of cold-pressed koprah-oil. and the hei poa people guarantee that in this oil there have macerated AT LEAST 11 tiaré-blossoms, picked up before Morgengrauen.i did not understand the macerated-part, i just copied it from here.
This product seemed to be too good to be true. but i should have been suspicious right when i bought it. hei poa did not look like a beauty product but like chunky feta cheese in clear brine. the shop assistant explained that it was because of the cold. if i poured hot water over it, the oil would turn liquid again.
well, it did not.
double-boiler? nope.
then, suddenly, one morning my hei poa was liquid and oily and wunderschön. i could treat my hair and my skin with this vanilla scented produkt. i might even have become a little bin more beautiful. that is good but also not, because i prefer angry endings. so i hope i will get an allergic reaction and have very bad Hautausschlag.


glossary
wundervoller - wonderful (comparative)
fluffig - fluffy
Morgengrauen - crack of dawn
wunderschön - beautiful
Hautausschlag - eczema

Hallo English speaking Community!
Willkommen zu the Kraut is sauer, my new weblog in english. I already have one in German, but will never reach a grüner Zweig with it. In comparison to the German blogosphere, insurance companies are freaky places. Everything is very serious and mostly people complain or discuss other peoples failures, at least in successful blogs. There are other blogs i really like, they are funny and clever and relaxed, but it seems that only the frustrated blogger is a successful one.
i am neither nor. but i want to be successful. usually i am a freelance copywriter, but at the moment i dont work, because i have a baby of six month. and working in advertising with a baby is impossible because kindergärten close at six in the evening which is lunch time in the advertising world.
so my idea was to translate parts of my weblog into English, write new stuff especially for you and wait what you think. Every Beitrag has a prima add-on: a few German words, mostly words i like that you can use to show off and be a real Kosmopolit. to make sure you use them in the right context an know what they mean, they are translated and/or explained at the bottom.

Viva la Völkerverständigung!
Viva la Spass!



glossary:
auf einen grünen Zweig kommen - being successful with sth. (literally: to reach a green branch of a tree)
kindergärten - kindergarten, but plural
Beitrag - article
Kosmopolit - cosmopolitan
Völkerverständigung - international understanding
spass - fun

sometimes boredom drives you crazy. sometimes it drives you to a Tierfriedhof. its basically the same but you can write more about the latter.
at a pet semetary you can bury your pets. i come from a farm and with that upbringing i find pets dying a very normal thing. we just buried a hole in the garden and put the dead animal in there. sometimes new animals exhumed some of the former pets, but this is another story.
at the pet semetary the pets have their own graves, funky coffins and gravestones with putzig porcellain pictures, photos or everything else you can imagine.


Unglaublich! a buddhist shrine looks like a desert in comparison to this.

I do understand that someone is sad if his or her pet died. When someone (actually it was a friend of my mother) ran over my Cockerspaniel, i did not laugh either. But hey, it was a dog. my parents, my brother and my friends were still alive.

what kind of people make such a Brimbamborium about beings that are not even able to make themselves some sandwiches?
The answer: strange and scary ones.
At least this was the impression we got from the woman who came to visit the grave of her beloved dog. she was on her own. she greeted the stone and spoke to him as if the dog was still alive. she clapped her hands on her leg like you do if you want a dog to come to you: "Ja, hallo! ja, hallo!", she shouted ecstatically. I waited for the gravestone to jump towards her and lick her face. But it didnt.

glossary
Tierfriedhof - pet semetary
putzig - cute
unglaublich - unbelievable
Cockerspaniel - ???
Brimbamborium - fuss

for longer than 10 years i had six fingers on my right hand, and the cigarette was my favourite finger. i smoked because i wanted to look cool or when i was stressed out. i smoked because i was about to do something important or because i have been frightened. most of the times i just smoked because i could. i loved it.
once i did not love it so much, so i read this quit smoking-book by allen carr. i hated it so much that i started writing a book for him "The Easy Way To Stop Writing Self-Helping Books". I never managed to finish it. And i didnt quit smoking either.

years later i drove to thailand with just a few of my own cigarettes. i had to smoke the thai cigarettes which contain more poison than juschtschenkos lunch. right after inhaling the thick, acidly smoke spreads right under my skullcap and made my whole body feel awful. i hardly smoked, but on new years eve i had a few too many singha beers so i felt the urge to smoke. i managed to smoke a whole box. what can i say? i was wahnsinnig!

the next morning i begged my body on my knees to accept my apology. but it showed no mercy at all. under my skin i could feel the disgusting, black layer that did neither let poison out nor oxygen in. and it was even worse: the whole day my hands were shaking from convulsions (sometimes my legs and even my face), as if i got small electrical shocks. thai cigarettes spoilt my smoking party. since that night i have never touched a cigarette again.

so if you think about quitting smoking, get yourself some cigarettes from thailand (might be that the polish cigarettes work out, too) and smoke at least 20 of them whilst you drink roundabout 10 bottles of beer. everything should be finished within a few hours. i promise, you cannot feel scheisser.
and if it works out, you are more than invited to give me 7,90 €, this is how much this smartassbook costs.


glossary:
wahnsinnig - crazy
scheisser - shittier

I am a fan. A bit of the FC St. Pauli, but most of the time I just go there to drink beer and watch soccer people. People like me are disdainfully called Modefans. Never ever will I be able to make myself an important part of the St. Pauli Fankultur even though I have a Dauerkarte. This is why I decided to be a Fan of something else. You might find it weird, but: I am a fan of my dermatologist. Ok, I dont wear fan scarfs with her name and i dont do chants when I go to see her ("acnes going home" etc.). It is more like a silent worshipping coming straight from the heart.
the reason for this fanship is easy. When I was pestered by postpubertarian acne, she prescripted me a very hard medication without batting an eye. The pills turned my skin inside out and back and after that my skin was flawless. Even better was her explanation of the pills: "This medicament is usually for people with acne that bad that they are social outlaws and thinking of suicide."
This lady talks turkey. Grossartig!
So she did yesterday when I came to see her after some time. I asked her to remove three moles from my face. Her answer was hilarious: "I am going to burn them away. It will look as if someone had stubbed out a cigarette in your face, after about 5 days the scab will fall off and then it will heal for about four weeks. thats 100 euros."
I was not convinced. "I will get married in a few weeks. Should we do it after the wedding?"
"Yeah well, the wounds could ignite, then you could have a disgusting abscess an you might have to go to hospital. You know what? Ich habe schon Pferde kotze sehen: lets do it afterwards."

She shook my hand and we said goodbye. Of course I was very impressed and glad that I was already a fan. What a lady!

And this lady has an ad in her waiting room advertising beauty things, e.g. it says: DIE Weihnachtsüberraschung: Botox. And I would love to be present when she tells a client in her incomparable honest way: "It was about time for you. But stop dreaming: I can make your look more relaxed, but you will still have this gigantic, ugly nose and this scheisse as hell haircut."

what shall i say? i am a fan. but this adoration does not make me blind, and i have something someone to critisize: her receptionist. She is everything but a good example of beauty injections. Her upper lip is as numb as stephen b hawkings buttcheeks. Her brain does not seem to be very active either. Very bored she hangs out at the reception browsing the intouch. sometimes she picks up the phone. sometimes she doesnt.
not even this blitzbirne can keep me away from adoring the dermatologist. because i always imagine my dermatologist telling her receptionist how kacke she looks.


glossary:
Modefan - someone who only goes to FC St. Pauli soccer matches because its cool and you can drink beer and meet friends.
grossartig - great
"Ich habe schon Pferde kotzen sehen" - short form of "Ich habe schon Pferde vor der Apotheke kotzen sehen" which can be translated as: "I have seen horses puke in front of a drug store". but the actual meaning is: even things that seem safe can go wrong.
blitzbirne - flash bulb, colloquial for chucklehead
kacke - shitty